Today I canceled my appointment that I made for a long time. To be honest, this unexpected situation made the reason was just liked a small thing, but actually at the last moment, It made me realize that it wasn’t the place I feel to belong with…
After few steps back, I sat in front of the IB (International Building) alone, not so much people there. There wasn’t crowd-puller or euphoria because of graduation anymore. It was just me and bizarre wind. The question was “why did I do this?”,I accustom to be alone, some even judge me “freak”, but there’s a time when I didn’t lost my faith that I am not like what they thought, proof to them that it was just their miss expectation. That I am survive no matter the hardest situation I face, still embrace my desire I pursure, creeris every moment I have in every steps I take, that I still have something worth to share with others, and the most important thing is…I wasn’t afraid to be what I really am.
But this time, when I face quite the same situation. Introvert, can’t realy get along with others, judged by people, and always feel lonely in the crowded place, somehow I can’t really do it anymore, keep myself with me. This time, I feel really weak. Even to tell myself that I can I couln’t. It’s just the loneliness remain at the crowded place. I came with my consciousness that I couldn’t be like this anymore. I wanna change, I think I have to. Later after that, I found out that all those feeling were just in my mind. It’s me who band myself to be touched by others, to let this heart belong to place where the fate drags me in. It’s me who think that I’m weak, fighting with the past trapping me to see the future, to tresure people that actually care about me. Instead, I keep confuse with peope who not even think that I’m worth to keep by their side. Keep questioning why they could do something like this to me instead of see what I did so they do something like this to me.
When I looked back, I found that I still have them. Those people I know who I slound care more. Why don’t I forgive myself for my own limitation and trying hard to make it better? Forgive others that might hurt me before they ask for forgivenerss. Let somebody touch my heart and treasure them with my heart too. Be nice, be firnedly, without hoping something in return. Face to face with myself and give time to re-thing a while, to feel what actually happened, and take lessons form it. It will be our milestone, my milestone. The lessons I wanna pass to my generation for them not do the same to others, to theirself.
Though, it doesn’t mean that when I wrote this I’ve already won this battle. But one thing for sure, I don’t afraid to be what I really I am anymore as I’m keep trying to be a better person each day passed. Deep in my heart, I still believe that I worth something and able to do something worth as He won’t ever create his creature to be a useless thing. Wish you can take a lesson that “the limitation is only in your imagination” just like I do.
May He shows the ways with his blessing. In the name of allah, the most gracious, the most merciful.
Nothin goes as planned. Everything will break. People say goodbye in their own special way.
All that you rely on and all that you can fake will leave you in the morning but find you in the day.
Everything will change. Nothin stays the same. And nobody here’s perfect but everyones to blame. All that you rely on, and all that you can save will leave you in the morning and find you in the day
Everything is dark. It’s more than you can take. But you catch a glimpse of sun light. Shinin, down on your face… “In My Veins” by Andrew Belle